There's been so much going on in the last little while, I had to check my daytimer to see what I've been up to! Crazy - this is going to be a long one - sorry to those people who I know that don't like to read long blog updates! :)
I tried to make blackberry pies last night - the church I used to go to in Victoria has a blackberry festival every fall, and the pies they make are beyond words. When I was out there a few weeks ago, the blackberries were just coming ripe, and eating them made me crave blackberry pie like you wouldn't believe. So I picked up some blackberries at the farmer's market, and last night tried to turn them in to pie. I realized I didn't have enough to make more then one, so I ran out to Co-op for more. All they had were little container of like, 2 dozen berries for THREE NINETY-NINE! I don't think so... They didn't have any frozen one either, so I went to Safeway, and they didn't have any blackberries at all. So I ended up getting blueberries and making blueberry pies for the other things I need to take food to, and making one blackberry pie for Trevor and me, but it wasn't the same as St. Mary's blackberry pies. 'Twas very sad...
Yesterday I had a really bad day at work. I was really struggling with why I'm at that job when it just really feels like a waste of time, and there're so many other things I could be doing. I've been pretty bored, so I've made a few just really stupid mistakes. Nothing that's brought all kinds of trouble down on us or anything, just stuff I should do better. I felt/feel like my job is just sucking up all my energy and I don't really have anything to show for it. It's darn stressful! I find I'm missing the church more and more as time goes by, and questioning whether I made the right decision. I mean, I know I did, but I still doubt sometimes. (I just have to remember the politics that drove me crazy, and I feel a little better, anyway!)
Then this was in my email this morning...
When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
-- Psalm 94:18-19
We are amazed at the vastness of God's reach, the awesome breadth of his power, and the glorious sweep of his majesty. An additional truth, incredible as it may seem, is God's personal nearness to us. He chooses to know us and be actively involved in the trials and triumphs we face each day. How will today, or tomorrow, be different because you are aware of his presence and companionship? What difference does it make to know he supports you when your foot slips or that his consolation is nearby when anxiety rises?
Loving God, who is everywhere yet always near, please hear my heart. I am overwhelmed at your presence near me and within me. The comfort you bring when I am under siege, the strength you offer when I am weak, the courage you give when I am under attack, and the hope you instill when all seems hopeless -- these gifts of your where to go or why I am here. Thlook forward knowing me. I lookforward to knowing you one day as you know me today. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
I don't know when I've every prayed a more heartfelt pre-written prayer, and then only a few hours later, I had the most affirming experience. It was terrible, but affirming. A client came in to sign some papers, and I talked to her a bit. I don't know much of her story, but she's separated from her husband, and she said that when she went home last night, he was there. And then she started to cry. That's all she said, but the tone of voice, the look on her face and her body language were so familiar to me that I started to cry too. And I remembered the bone-deep, soul-crushing terror of slipping in to the house as quietly as possible, wondering if the silence means that he's gone off in a snit for a while, or if he's lying in wait at the top of the stairs, waiting to pounce on some imagined offence. The sense of measured relief as everything really is calm for the moment, but at the same time a sense of impending doom as you wait for the bottom to drop out again.
That's why I wanted to be a Legal Assistant - to help women who find themselves in situations like that. I was quite happy today to go to the court house to file her Statement of Claim for Divorce. And I had many very unprofessional thoughts about men like that, which aren't fit to type on my blog when I give my friends a hard time about their language! :) It was encouraging to remember why I wanted to do this, and while I feel like most of the time all I do is shuffle paper, being able to help in this situation makes it worth it. For such a time as this, hey? Eventually, I'd love to have a shelter kind of place for women who find themselves in that situation. That's something I really have a passion for - I went through so much crap, and came out miraculusly intact, and I want to use those terrible experiences for good, you know? God promises to work all thing to the good of them that love him and are called according to his purpose - that's very encouraging to me!